Alicia Speaks
by AWPuRpLePoPtArT
Summary: Like her mom suggested Alicia starts to speak into the universe, she doesn't know who will hear or listen, she just knows it's time to speak.
1. Loving Him Was Red

A/N I've been finding these amazing quotes that really speak to me, and make me think of the things Alicia would be feeling right now through her grieving process. I couldn't figure out how to use them so I decided on doing a diary of sorts, just Alicia speaking in relation to the chosen quote. I don't know how many I'll do but I feel like as long as I have quotes and can put thoughts to them I'll keep going. Thanks for reading and review if you like.

* * *

Day One:

"Losing him was blue

Like I'd never known

Missing him was

dark grey all alone

Forgetting was

like trying to know

somebody you've never met

But loving him was

RED"

Taylor Swift _Red_

* * *

When I think about those months three years ago my heart sinks. Losing him turned my life dark there was no color left. There was only blue. The memories are bright like the color red. I'm hoping this gets easier, It did when my dad passed away. I am trying so hard to forget so that I can move on but I feel so stuck. I miss when there was color in the world, now I see the world in grey, dark deep unrelenting grey.


	2. A War Between Remembering and Forgetting

Day Two:

I don't like

the memories

because the tears

come easily,

and once again I break

my promise

to myself for this day.

It's a constant battle

A war between

Remembering and forgetting.

* * *

They sneak up on me. In quiet moments. The memories. It's like after Cary and I left the firm. But so much quieter . This time it feels like there is a darkness closing in. I want to run away from the darkness but there is nowhere to turn, every corner hides a memory. Sometimes the memories are happy ones that remind me of happier times. Your hands on my thigh in a crowded conference room teasing me while your other hand texts me one word "lunch?" Other times it's the bad, your hand swiping my desk clean and telling me I'm awful. It doesn't matter though; whether good or bad, both bring the tears and both remind me he's gone. You're gone, Will. And I can't bring you back. But what's worse is that you won't really leave.


	3. Every Night

Day Three:

Each night I put my head

to my pillow

I try to tell myself

I'm strong

because I made it

through another day

without you

I tell myself every morning when I wake up that this day will be different. I tell myself I'll be better than I was yesterday. But some days just getting through the day is my only accomplishment. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be the strong person everyone thinks I am. But I'm not. I want the man I love back. Eli tried to tell me that Peter still loves me, he asked me if I loved Peter, inside I was screaming. The man I love died on March 23,2014. And I never told him.

I never told you Will, I am so sorry that I never told you how much you meant to me. I don't know if you can hear me. For the first time in my life I find myself hoping there is a heaven, just so I can see you again. Just to so you can hear me say the words "I Love You" and hear you tell me you love me too. God Will I miss you.


	4. Heartache

Day Four:

Remembering

you is easy

I do it everyday

But missing you

is a heartache

That never goes away

Eli asked me to run for States Attorney. Can you believe that? Me as a politician? Zach is going to Georgetown. I am so proud of him. I'm scared though, I know one day I'm going to have to visit him. I don't know if I can do it. There's too much there. Too many memories. Please tell me this heartache is going to go away.


	5. In The Morning

A/N: MATURE warning, it's not horrifically graphic (I'm not any good at that), but just in case that's not your thing you'll probably want to move on. Thanks for reading.

* * *

Day Five:

Here is

one of the

worst things

about having

someone

you love die: It

happens again

every single morning.

* * *

I dreamed about you last night. I was so vivid. We're together on that balcony in New York. But in my dream I didn't just tell you how happy I was. I told you that I loved you. You were so happy. Your hands were everywhere all at once, in my hair, running up my thigh. You were touching me there. I reached between us and wrapped my hand around you. I slid down on to you and together we rode out the storm. By all accounts it should have been a happy dream. But then I woke up and I realized that you were gone. All the chances, missed connections, and dreams they're all gone.

Everything. Is. Just. Gone.


	6. Nights Used to be For Sleeping

"When I can't sleep at night-

I stare at the empty side of my bed,

And wonder about the things

I would tell you

If you were laying next to me."

Like most nights the dreams come. And I find myself unable to go back to sleep. I'm scared to you see. The dreams hurt. They hurt when I'm awake and they hurt when I'm asleep. Instead I lay in my bed and think about what I would say to you. At night alone in my room I tell you all the things I should have told you when you were here. Then I wonder what it would be like if you were there and knew all the things I should have told you. Would we spend the nights talking? Telling each other about our days? Or would we sleep? The blissful sleep of two people wrapped in a comfortable love like an over-sized quilt. I want all these things, but when I look the empty side doesn't lie. You're not here.


	7. Nobody Knows it But Me

A/N this one gets a poem I wrote.

* * *

"Having a broken heart

is like having broken ribs.

On the outside you look

fine, but every breath hurts."

* * *

No one knows

How much my world changed

When the phone rang on that day

The sun still shone

The traffic droned on

My heart screams

The tears stop

But still no one really knows

The things I said

The things I didn't

The things I'll never know

of this I am now sure

I loved you

But now I know

you loved me more


	8. Just Gone

"It's so sad

How you were

Such a big

Part of my life

And now

You're

Just

Gone"

Ever since New York this year, and my fight with Peter, ever since… you, I spend more time than I care to thinking about the past. My head somehow finds its way to the sad times when Peter broke my heart 5 years ago. I guess misery loves company so my thoughts just go where they will. So often I find myself at Georgetown where I constantly fooled you into thinking I was some amazing lawyer, while the whole time I was nervous as fuck. I wind my way around to that elevator, I was so naïve and I was almost as giddy as a school girl, I actually jumped up and down in the elevator. Then suddenly there you were, in tennis shoes and a Brioni suit. It had been 15 years. I didn't realize until I sat down in New York to think how much of a difference you'd made that day. God, Will, you saved me. Not that I was a fairy tale princess that I needed saving I would have figured things out but… There you were, even when we were fighting you were there. I couldn't see you every day, I couldn't talk to you, not that you would have talked to me. But you were there. You were such a big part of my life… now you're just gone…

I miss you


	9. You Didn't See

"you didn't see it, did you?

The way he looked at you, it was different from how

he looked at other girls. He looked at you like

the moon and the stars shone out of your eyes."

I never realized it. I never saw through it. Until it was too late, I didn't see his love for me. I guess I didn't want to see it. If I saw it, if I acknowledged it, it would make a mess. I'm not the one who gets to make the mess, I'm a cleaner, but now. God now I wish I would have let him mess up my idea of a perfect life. Do you ever just feel stuck? I do…


	10. You Never Said

You never said I'm leaving

You never said goodbye.

You were gone before we knew it,

And no one really knows why.

A million times I've needed you,

A million times I've cried

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still.

In my heart I hold a place,

That only you can fill…

* * *

Sometimes when I go to bed, I feel my mind ease a little bit. See sometimes when I sleep I forget you won't be around in the morning. It's funny how you dying made me realize I needed you. I needed you just to be. Whether we talked or not, whether we were friends. I just needed you to be here. Somewhere close to me. Now instead of holding you in my arms, my heart holds a Will-Shaped hole. I hear your name so often. It's more than just a word, it's a tiny little bullet that crashes into my skull. I don't want to cry anymore…


	11. Busy With and Without You

I keep myself busy

With the things I do

But every time I pause

I still think of you.

* * *

You would think after 4 months and 5 days, my thoughts would have found somewhere else to wander in the quiet moments. But no matter how I try I still seem to think of him. It's someone's haircut that resembles his. It's a pause in Judge Politi's courtroom when I see Finn stuck in a horrible flashback, because I know what he's seeing. The things I see when I see Diane struggling trying to find her place. When I sit in my office and your letter head crosses my desk.

Yes it seems no matter what I do, I will always think of you.


	12. 2 am

I think of you at 2 a.m. when I can't sleep,

and I wish you were here to hold me.

* * *

It's not like this is new, I used to do it when you were alive too. I never told anyone that. I never told anyone how much I wished you were here. How much you meant to me. I can't believe you're not here. It gets better a little more everyday but I wish you hadn't gone away and left me here to stay


	13. Forever

At one point, I think I thought

That I might, you know,

Love you forever

Or something

And then

Reality

Said

No

* * *

It's funny how the world just keeps spinning. Forever goes on even if you're not in it. Day still becomes night and the Fall becomes the summer. It's funny how even if you don't admit love it still happens. It's still there. And oddly it's still forever, just a more daunting and less pleasurable forever.


	14. Another Day

Four things you can't recover:

The stone. . .after the throw

The word. . . after it's said.

The occasion. . .after it's missed.

The time. . .after it's gone.

* * *

We always think we'll have more time. We always think there will be one more day. And the sad part is, that for everyone else there is. There's one more chance to say I love you. Another time to say I'm sorry. One more day to say let's try this again. But not for you. And not for Us.


End file.
